Like all mornings before work, I get up (barely lucid), grab a bowl, and dig into the trough of Mini-Wheats set before me and graze along as I thumb through various emails, videos and posts on my cell phone, sitting there like a big dumb jersey cow, wrapped up in my Chewbacca housecoat, slack jawed in awe.
Big debate this week, (as in all weeks on Facebook Canada) should we change the national anthem to be gender neutral? Casually, my first reply is to douse my phone in gasoline and let my fingers ignite the digital keyboard a glorious fireball of epic proportions of swear words, pronouns and verses that would sent chills upon Hades spine (or skin orgasms as I read this week) listening to my maniacal laughter echoing off the walls of my kitchen. Jumping up and down, Dancing naked around the table like a Zulu warrior, shouting at 6 am, only to have the wife scream at me with threat train of ungodly hostile actions to my body and manhood, not due to what I was shouting at or for, but the fact that I may not live to rue this day if the kids awake. And the fact with the blinds open, the neighbors can see my three amigos awaken from their siesta for the quinceanera, but without the party. Or the music. Or the girls. Just me and my Mariachi band strumming out to desperado on the leftover tequila found in the freezer. Unimpressed at this display, she mutters another equally terrifying death threat that the band is going to be strung up and battered around like a piñata if I don't get my shit together, comprende? I quickly and quietly wrap myself again in my housecoat and silence bestows upon the Huneault household as the bedroom door closes, she won this round.
That would be the old Dan. Prenoon Dan. Afternoon Dan has had time to think. To ponder. To reflect. I know now that the morning induced hatred was really just the first stage of denial. I have an entire day to go through all seven stages before I get to: Acceptance. This usually hits around home time and I have had something to eat, and all morning threats have been lifted and forgotten. This Acceptance has not only shed a new light on the subject but inspired me to rewrite our national anthem. I know what you're thinking, "Hey Dan they just want change just one word". And I get that. But next they would want to change the word god too and get rid of that. Then what's next? Might as well just have a non-sexist/non-religious/non-racist, politically correct (pussified) version for today's society. So here it is:
O Canada! Where natives live tax free!
Home of basketball, lacrosse, and ice hockey.
French is our second language, and
We pronounce it Zed not Zee!
From BC to Newfie
O Canada, We love minorities!
Please don't invade our land, We have no army!
O USA, We give our oil for free.
O USA, We'll buy it back for a fee!
P.S. If they do change the word "God" in the anthem, I think it should be the word "Please" It's just the Canadian thing to do.