Jogging. My galloping enemy. Not
that I hate the act of jogging so much as the knowing better alternatives out
there who, if present, warrant much better benefits. I guess one could argue
that there is the health benefit or that some joggers get a potential high from
this. Which I can believe. One would have to be high to say you know what I
feel like doing right now? Running. Yes.
Going out into the frigid cold or the summer’s heat in clothing not meant for
the public’s eye just...because. Clothing still designed by some 80's factory
for the sheer purpose of blinding my windshield as I drive past with their
bright neon hues like giant reflective fish lures, baiting my eyes from the
road ahead. Now the ones that truly give me whiplash are the lulu lemon/mini
skirt/crop top wearing gorgeous bouncing beauties, defying all weather patterns
(and bra weight limits) rain/sleet/snow
- these women are real troopers and the real reason for car accidents, fender
benders, just crashing things in general , your our true heroes, god bless you all.
Now the real reason people jog is
not for health reasons, no, I believe the true reason jogging was invented for
fundraising. The first jogger might have been dying from something like cancer,
rabies, or STD's (sorry its STI's now), but what I think they were really dying
from was an excuse to run and not be made fun of. Because it's kind of
weird...or gay. I haven't decided. Nowadays the first word that pops into your
head when you hear the word fundraiser is running. Run for the cure, Moonlight
Run, Run for poor Timmy's asthma, the beer run, it’s all a big scam to get you
to do something you don't want to do but do anyways. They almost make you feel
bad too if you don't join like you’re the bad guy: "What? You like cancer bro? Don't you wanna stop
cancer? My mother died from cancer blah blah blah" Which is a pretty good
tactic to pull on the old heart strings. If you have some. I already donate…to the hard working mothers
down at the strip clubs, a good cause I can get behind. And if me running were to stop any malady permanently,
I'd crawl off the couch, dust the boots off, and run till the end where a cure
is given to poor Timmy and we all can move on with our lives. But I probably
wouldn't. Probably because it wouldn't stop there. You can't seem to get away
from the monthly guilt train of marathons and thus were bombarded with this in
our daily lives so other people can feel good about running for a purpose.
Sorry that train left for me a long time ago.
And don't even get me on the
walkers. Something almost anyone can do, and we do, on a regular basis,
throughout the day, without thinking, and this for some reason is an Olympic
sport minus the sport part. Since the beginning man has walked and ran, until
they were able to tame horses, then horses were the main mode of transportation
for thousands of years because they were faster and they could carry daily
supplies for us and their amazing with cool names like Man O' War, War Admiral,
Seabiscuit and Clip Clop. Only until this past century have we been blessed
with the technological advancements to travel long
distances in minutes and hours vs. days/weeks! Why would I agree to step back
to something anyone throughout time has done time and time again? We live in
this glorious age of automobiles, be thankful! The day I was old enough to get
a driver’s license with a bad teen mustache, was the day I said so long to my
bike, and you know why? Because it is better in every sense. I wouldn't put it
past people to one day fundraise a walk for those that love to walk for the
sake of walking in memorial of all those that have fallen in the line of
walking for the walking cause dedicated to the man who invented walking, Mr.
Walker III....Because only an idiot with numbers after their name would come up
with something like they invented walking what it is today. Probably so he
could pick up a woman. Or a Man. Yep. Walking for a cause is a gay one. Yeah I
Like all mornings
before work, I get up (barely lucid), grab a bowl, and dig into the trough of
Mini-Wheats set before me and graze along as I thumb through various emails,
videos and posts on my cell phone, sitting there like a big dumb jersey cow, wrapped
up in my Chewbacca housecoat, slack jawed in awe.
Big debate this
week, (as in all weeks on Facebook
Canada) should we change the national anthem to be gender neutral? Casually, my first reply is to douse my phone
in gasoline and let my fingers ignite the digital keyboard a glorious fireball
of epic proportions of swear words, pronouns and verses that would sent chills
upon Hades spine (or skin orgasms as I read this week) listening to my maniacal
laughter echoing off the walls of my kitchen. Jumping up and down, Dancing
naked around the table like a Zulu warrior, shouting at 6 am, only to have the
wife scream at me with threat train of ungodly hostile actions to my body and
manhood, not due to what I was shouting at or for, but the fact that I may not
live to rue this day if the kids awake. And the fact with the blinds open, the
neighbors can see my three amigos awaken from their siesta for the quinceanera,
but without the party. Or the music. Or the girls. Just me and my Mariachi band
strumming out to desperado on the leftover tequila found in the freezer.
Unimpressed at this display, she mutters another equally terrifying death
threat that the band is going to be strung up and battered around like a piñata
if I don't get my shit together, comprende? I quickly and quietly wrap myself
again in my housecoat and silence bestows upon the Huneault household as the
bedroom door closes, she won this round.
That would be the
old Dan. Prenoon Dan. Afternoon Dan has had time to think. To ponder. To
reflect. I know now that the morning induced hatred was really just the first
stage of denial. I have an entire day to go through all seven stages before I
get to: Acceptance. This usually hits around home time and I have had something
to eat, and all morning threats have been lifted and forgotten. This Acceptance
has not only shed a new light on the subject but inspired me to rewrite our
national anthem. I know what you're thinking, "Hey Dan they just want
change just one word". And I get that. But next they would want to change
the word god too and get rid of that. Then what's next? Might as well just have
a non-sexist/non-religious/non-racist, politically correct (pussified) version
for today's society. So here it is:
O Canada! Where natives live tax free!
Home of basketball, lacrosse, and ice hockey.
French is our second language, and
We pronounce it Zed not Zee!
From BC to Newfie
O Canada, We love minorities!
Please don't invade our land, We have no army!
O USA, We give our oil for free.
O USA, We'll buy it back for a fee!
P.S. If they do change the word "God" in the
anthem, I think it should be the word "Please" It's just the Canadian
thing to do.