*Article was written before we gave birth to our son Axle Slade on Friday Oct.19/12 at 9:04pm.*
Right now I'm on borrowed time. Since my informed me about getting induced this Saturday, my first worries of a father spring forth, and reality is closing the door, igniting my worst fears like a house fire...and me burning inside, armed with only a water pistol to put the flames out. This is how equipped I am with the ever present ticking time bomb in my wife's womb. No matter. I work better under pressure - or the last minute. I have many pressing matters ahead of me, all of which could be better described as me standing naked, on a Saturday morning at a farmers market with a tuna in one hand and a flashlight in the other, asking passersby if they have seen that cat - the one who answers to Clark. Now Clark may be a dumb name for a cat, but this is no cat I will have to name in a day or two. This child will have to live with a lifetime of embarrassment or pride, depending on the decision I we are about to make.
One could take the easy route and name the boy after yourself. This just proves how egotistical you are and how unoriginal thought process is. What have I done so great? Other than clubbing the mother and dragging her back to my cave and having my way with her. With all the previous decisions I have made so far, I'm lucky I'm still alive to attract a mate to hang around long enough to procreate. Have I discovered the atom? Have I invented the first light bulb or produced the first automobile? Have I invented the time machine? No I have not. If I did I'd be the world's wealthiest man and the mother would probably most likely be Megan Fox or Marilyn Monroe. And for those of you who can't answer any of the above questions as well, I say pick something else.
Next you can look up to your hero's for a chosen name. Naturally most (good) fathers end up being the hero in a boy’s life. One problem. Those who know my father well call him BOB, short for Robert, which is his middle name. The problem is I know more Roberts than any other name. I have heard that Muhammad is the most common name in the world but I beg to differ. I know so many Roberts that I have to call them by a sir name - cowboy Rob, work Rob, Rob the smart ass I went to school with ect. And why would you name your kid after a prophet anyways? Seems like you’re setting them up for failure from the beginning. Did he set your people free? Doubtful. Other than Ali is there any other famous Muhammad’s? And that's not even his real name! Fail. Try again next time.
By now you’re probably spit balling some names. Guarantee that any name you and the misses throw out there, you have probably met in your life by now and reject the name outright based on the fact if the guy was a dickhead or a Nancy boy. I for one try to think of the strongest, manliest, name I can think of. Something to the tune of if the cast from the Expendables were packed into a one testosterone filled anabolic sandwich, chewed up and spit out by Clint Eastwood himself. A name so manly that every other guy in the same room might as well be sporting vaginas. This ain't no sissy bar. The world can have their girlish names of Lance, Tracey or Clarence; Unisex names are for the weak who can't decide if their boy should have been a girl or vice versa. Some goes as far as giving their poor boy a girl’s name, such as Sarah. Well Sarah, we know who wears the pants in your family. It’s a shame really.
As much as I like the idea, I think it would be hilarious as a Caucasian male to give your kid a name that is the complete opposite of your race. Like Japanese-Mongolian or Turkish-Zimbabwe. Here meet my son Yamaguchi Khan or my son Dundar Ncklkckxwjdkkikxacc. Or how about a whole string of vowels? EIEIEIO. As funny as that would be I'll stick to a manly name.